literature

Kandar Ep1 The Greeting

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     When the doorbell rang, he thought it would be the movers, coming back to get some forgotten some piece of equipment. They had been here all morning, but with his help, they were done getting everything into the house by noonday. There was still the daunting task of arranging all of this mess into a modest, three bedroom house, even if it was three times the size of his apartment back in New Cannon. His eyes and mind strolled around the rooms filled with boxes and furniture as he made his way to the front door, searching for anything that did not belong to the current disarray of his new residence. When he opened the door, he was quite shocked to behold a beautiful young Kandar woman, instead of the three sweaty, rough looking, Human men who had just been there only moments ago.

     "Hello." Her musical voice seem to float through the air to his ears like the melody of an old favorite song. His mind, however, was slow to register the greeting. Surprised by her elegance, it still searched for words that were no longer relevant. He stood silent, awestruck in the doorway.

     A rare, pure white, feline form stood before him. From her regal, tall, fluffy ears to her long arched feet, from the ends of her slender fingers to the tip of her long, fluffy tail, even in the wavy locks of her hair that danced around her face, cascading down her body to her thin waist like a spring waterfall, her fur held not a single strand of any other color. The bright daylight from the high sun behind her highlighted the gentle, natural curves of her very fit and tone body. The plain, black, midriff-length tee-shirt hung loosely over her modest bust, and the black, denim shorts riding low on her hips stood in great contrast of her dazzling white fur.  'Wow' was all his mind could muster.

     "Hello?" she asked as their eyes met. The long black slits of her pupils, surrounded by luminescent, lavender, with a star burst of brilliant, blue streaks, held him stalled and speechless again. He opened his mouth, but could summon no sound.

     Though still sweet and melodious, the irritation in her voice began to reach him. 'How long have I been lost here,' he thought to himself. "Heeellloooo, you do speak common tongue, don't you, Human?" Leaning in close, she gives him a look emphasizing her irritation.

     "I'm so sorry, Miss, I thought you were...I mean..." He closed his mouth, shaking his head at himself for a moment. It was unlike him, to fumble his words. He ran his fingers through his ever neat, short, brown hair before opening his mouth to speak again, but she cut him off.

     "Did you think, that in a mixing neighborhood, you would not see any Kandar? You do know this in a mixing community, right?" Pointing an accusing finger at him caused the myriad of shiny bracelets on her wrist to jingle loudly.

     "No and yes, er..." He opened the door the rest of the way. Extending his hand out palm up, he placed his right foot forward and bowed his head slightly in a formal Kandar greeting.  "A pleasure to meet you, Miss." This seemed to take the wind out of her vexation. She placed her hand palm down on his and curtsied. "Veratessa White, good sir." Her speech switched to High Regal dialect out of reflex.

     "Well met, Miss White, Jessie Dire to you." His reply in High Regal both surprised her that he would know the dialect, and embarrassed her that she had, in a common environment, used such speech. This was the standard in her upbringing, but here and now, around a strange Human, it could have adverse effects. Plus, there was something about him, she just couldn't put her paw on. He was only slightly taller than her, making him about 6 or 7 inches short for a human male, but his build was solid, maybe a little on the stocky side, but not bulky, or disproportionate to his height. His all black attire, was quite dapper and fairly common, not out of place in today's fashion. He was clean shaven and very easy to look at, for a Human.  The style of his boots was a little outdated to her, but that did not match this feeling. 'Maybe those icy blue eyes...' she thought. 'It feels like...intrigue...fear...exhilaration...gravity, drawing me in.'

     Taking her hand back nervously and now slightly on the defensive, she recalled the origins of her visit. "Please call me Tessie," she spoke in the common dialect again. "There is no need for formalities here. I came by to invite you to the cookout. Each moon, or month if you will, we have a social event. You and your family have arrived just in time for this month's gala. Now that we have reached the equinox and all three moons are full, it is officially spring. In celebration of Ostara, we are having a cookout in the center park. We will have lots of different foods and treats, as everyone cooks their favorite meals, with sweet drinks of all kinds. It will be going all day, but come early, if you want a pick of the best foods. This is family affair, so please limit the fuzzy drinks. Stumbling around like a drunkard or spewing obscenities will not be tolerated." She gave him a stern look and shaking her forefinger at him as she spoke.

     The stern look only enhanced her charm to him, he smiled inadvertently. "I would be honored to attend. However," motioning to all the boxes behind him "I have only just started to unpack. I would need to run to the grocer to buy something. What would be suggested?"

     "You're new, and we all saw that you just move in, so nothing is asked of you. Just bring yourself and your..." peering around him into the house "mate?"

     "Oh! I'm single, er, I mean I have no family...here, though I do have a colleague of mine, staying with me, Jack..." Jessie looked to his right. Jack stood in the hallway in his normal attire of gym shorts and bunny slippers, holding a bowl of cereal. He was wide eyed and shaking his head 'no' vigorously. Jack was very antisocial and, as such, awkward in social settings. He could talk all day with complete strangers in a virtual world, but face to face he stuttered horribly around new people. In a crowd he would be rendered utterly speechless. "Though I think... he is more interested in getting things unpacked right now." Returning his attention to Tessie, her jeweled earnings caught the sun just right to capture his gaze for a moment. 'Elaborate, but not gaudy. However, those are all real jewels, and I would bet they are set in Mythril, not silver,' he thought to himself

     "As you wish," Tessie spoke to the darkness of the room behind Jessie. "We look forward to your arrival." She turned and started towards the front steps of the porch.

     "Ummm, where's the park?"

     Without looking back she pointed out her directions. "At the end of your driveway turn left, go three houses, look right and follow the path you see there. At the fork, stay right. You cannot miss it." Happy with herself, she glanced back over her shoulder to see him nod his understanding before she padded down the stairs. Her walk was so feminine and graceful, her tail so long, fluffy and magnificent, that he could not pull his eyes away. "So beautiful" he whispered to himself. Her ears twitched and she turned her head looking over her shoulder again at him. With a coy smile and a swing of her tail and bottom, she chuckled "You like my tail?" before sticking her tongue out at him and sashaying off. Jessie started to say something, but, embarrassed, he just closed the door instead.
the beginning of an ongoing story.

Now with full edit. thank you chikara-redwing.deviantart.com… so much for your help here and for all that is to come. I really like the out come of this. 

part two here darkmoonwolf70.deviantart.com/…
© 2015 - 2024 DarkMoonWolf70
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kArA-Redwing's avatar

Proofread version with the major grammar issues outlined here: sta.sh/0kmuvr15myp

 

Overall you have most of the pieces you need.  This is a decent reader grab.  I am getting the vibes for a romantic slice of life/Sci-fi mash up.  Hopefully that's what you're going for.  The Romance vibes are very strong.

 

1) The opening needs a setting.  You throw us right into the door opening scene, but I have no idea what planet I'm on, what season it is, what time of day it is, how Jessie is feeling after the move, what the house is like, what his experience with the movers is, nadda.  I need that.  Ground me in a place, so that I can picture what's going on and then set the mood (is Jessie tired, excited to be moved, apprehensive what?  I get some vague tired vibes, but I have no idea).

 

2)  You have a HUGE paragraph with some redundancies describing Tessie.  Don’t do that.  Certainly give me one or two sentences when we first see Tess, because we as the reader do not know what a Kander is.  I imagine that Jessie's initial appraisal goes as far as "wow, snowy white cat girl in black clothes," and then she's bothering him back to reality.  No self -especting girl lets a strange man stare at her in silence for five minutes upon introduction.

Okay, so how do you work in these other details?  She'll have her annoyed "hello?," and then maybe she crosses her arms and the bracelets on her wrists jingle.  There's one more detail accounted for.  Maybe later she's giving Jessie a surprised look when he's speaking in High Royal and "her lavender cat's eyes stared in surprise."  That's how you work those details in.  Do not block them all into one paragraph.  It's a huge marker of an inexperienced writer, because no one likes reading chunks of factoids.

 

3) Related to one: you're pushing to heavily on Tessie's physical description, and totally neglecting Jessie and Jack.  You do feature Jack in the next section, so you can leave him out for now, but Jessie cannot be so nondescript.  I'll be blunt and say it gives your writing a bad vibe of fan boy fantasy, where the reader is more or less supposed to pretend to be Jessie, and you're letting the reader oggle the female love interest.  Don't do that.  I don't think that's what you want anyway.  "This Kander, simply put, was beautiful."  That's enough.  Get's your point across without obsessing on her looks.  Don't push it farther than that.  At the end, the interaction is fine and could really be a somewhat comical moment, but don't push her physical appearance so heavily again!  It feels shallow.  And again, let's get back to Jessie.  Was there a single description of Jessie?  If there was, I missed it.  Tell me about him in the same way.  Maybe a 1-2 sentence intro of him, and then tell me the rest in little details you weave through the piece.  When you're working on the setting for the first paragraph, you could easily work in what Jessie looks like at the same time.